Why do I seem incapable of telling someone how I feel?
I'm ashamed of how I feel, maybe even ashamed of having feelings at all. Ashamed of having wants and needs that I can't control or meet myself.
So I try and suppress feelings. Deny them, push them down into somewhere where they don't have to be thought about. I don't acknowledge, I don't accept, I run as much as I can from them.
But they are there, they are felt and they are experienced. And they leak. They fall out of me, unexpectedly, in a reaction, or an expression, or words. They seem to come out of nowhere because they're stored deep down. Sometimes they even surprise me.
And when they leak — when I react to something bad — I feel embarrassed. Stupid. I feel like a little needy bitch.
I think there's three things going on. One is the sense that I don't deserve anything. One is the sense that I don't want to burden anyone. And one is the sense that I'm scared.
Scared because if I feel something for someone, then I risk losing myself, being partially consumed by that person. Scared that I give some control over to that person — that they have some say, intentionally or not, over how I view myself, how I feel generally, how much I hurt. Scared because my life becomes partially about them, they can make or break my day, their needs become my needs. What's strange is this isn't through a sense of obligation, it's given kind of freely.
Like I like loving, I like caring. I want to be supportive and I want to give someone something no one has ever consistently given me.
But also I can't stand that everything seems better when they're around. I hate myself for wanting to be near them all the time, I think about them too much.
And it shades so much of life — suddenly a great sandwich is something I wish they were around to experience, because they'd love it. Spending time with someone else is fine. Just not the same. The rhythm of life is different without them, the jokes that go over everyone else's head, the reactions that don't come, or match.
There is a kind of void when I'm not around them.
There has been no one in my life I could ever truly rely on. I missed out on the unconditional love of a parent. Fuck — just remembered, as a small kid, my mum telling me if she ever found me with drugs or anything she'd hand me over to the police. I think it was some anti-drugs message which would land ironically, but actually, what she was doing was putting conditions on the relationship.
The person I have feelings for might not be able to give me the things I need. The person will likely hurt me, or even break my heart. And instinct tells me to avoid having feelings for someone, that I should protect myself from all of that, because that sounds horrible, and feels worse.
But maybe the journey is worth it, even if the destination is awful?